Virginity: What’s the Big Deal?

So. Virginity. What’s the Big Deal?

In this day-and-age of “friends with benefits”, legalized prostitution (in certain parts of the United States and the world), birth control, and STI-screening, one would expect virginity to be less of a ‘gold standard’ than it has been for so many years. Why does the V-word inspire such a hullabaloo?

First, a little background. In many cultures and religions, virginity is viewed as an essential quality in a bride. Pre-marital sex is frowned upon, and often prosecuted (sometimes even persecuted) in certain nations. In some cultures, infibulations (or the surgical sealing of the labia majora in order to close the vagina) is commonplace, carried out to preserve the virginity of women before their wedding night. In other parts of the world, young men and women (or anything in between or outside that binary) place great importance on “their first time” or can’t wait to “lose it”. The question is why? And is it worth it? Let’s explore some reasons people promote virginity – particularly for women.

The Big Question

by Abby Abstinence

I did not know that it wasn’t normal to be a virgin until my roommate last year informed me that I was the only person she had ever met who was saving themselves for marriage. I was definitely not in Texas anymore. What had been the norm in my church-going group of friends in high school now set me  apart from nearly the whole Dartmouth student body. And everyone—the boys who asked me out, my new friends—had the same question: Why  am I abstinent?

Sex in the News in September

• Putting the 40 year old virgin to shame, Isabella Blyth (pictured above) turned 106 this September without ever being kissed. She says she never had the time or need for a man, keeping busy with her job, church, golf, gardening, and “the odd sherry.” [Scotsman News]
• A 2010 Duke graduate’s impressively thorough “senior thesis” dedicated to ranking the varsity athletes she had sex with was leaked and immediately spread around Duke campus inboxes and the internet. The graduate deleted all of her social network profiles, and may be dealing with privacy lawsuits in the future, a situation sweetened by rumors of offers for a book deal. [Jezebel.com]
• STD’s have doubled in people older than 45 in the UK. Possible reason? Most sexual health and education is aimed at younger people commonly thought to be more at risk. [Daily Mail]

Michelle and Kate on Virginity

“Imagine if losing your virginity meant learning how to do all that: absorbing all those egalitarian lessons, learning how to regard your sexual life as a holistic enterprise that encompassed pleasure, introspection, and caring mutuality.”

— Hanne Blank, ‘The Process-Oriented Virgin’

The two of us both followed a pretty standard storyline when it came to losing our virginities: girl meets boy, girl dates boy, one girl has intercourse for the first time in the back seat of a car and the other swiped her V-card on Valentine’s Day without much of a to-do. If we had another co-writer who lost their virginity on prom night, we’d have the stereotypical teenage trifecta. However, as our first campus wide Sexperts newsletter will show you, there is no formula for losing your virginity. No two people view virginity in quite the same light; some cultures value virginity above all else; others urge youth to engage in premarital sex; and then there are places like America that send so many mixed messages nobody knows how to feel about virginity anymore. I mean, how does one even define virginity? Do you lose your virginity during your first kiss? First time engaging in oral? First time having anal sex? Intercourse? Outercourse? Do you lose it more than once if you have sex with partners of different genders?  Or is it the moment, for girls, that your hymen is broken, in which case you can “lose your virginity” while horseback riding.  Do you only lose your virginity if the encounter is consensual? If the encounter is enjoyable? If one or both parties orgasm? Does it even “count” if you’re gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender?

The concept of virginity is so fluid that there is no precise way to define how you should feel or approach losing your virginity.

Even the term “losing your virginity” has a negative connotation, as if you’ve misplaced one of the few valuable things you’ve been given as a human. While your virginity is valuable in the sense that it is yours to do with what you will, “losing it” should not be viewed in a negative light. We hope that this issue will allow you to see that losing your virginity should not have any negative connotation, but rather as the opening of a door to allow yourself explore your sexuality in new and fun ways. Please do not misinterpret this newsletter as urging you to lose your virginity. Instead, we hope to explore all the different aspects of your first time, whether you have already had it, want to have it here at Dartmouth, are saving it for a future partner or haven’t thought about it yet. May our virgin issue issue give voice to different perspectives on your first time, and information to allow you to make the best and healthiest decision for yourself.

Be safe and have fun!

Michelle and Kate